Tips for dating a single Dad
91OK, as promised, the HUB, http://hubpages.com/hub/How-To-Date-The-Single-Mom, has inspired my own. What really caught my attention in that article was the part about coming over late and leaving early, basically not being visible to the kids while they are awake. And I will cover that shortly.
First of all, I am a single dad with primary custody. (which despite how hard I fought in court, was pretty much granted because she agreed to it. The law is not a single dad's friend) My kids spend every other weekend with their mom, plus long vacations and most of the summer. If you are thinking about dating a single dad I hope this helps you understand what lies ahead.
I think there are 3 basic types of singel dads: 1) The dating dad. 2) The LTR dad 3) and the 'searching for a new mommy' dad. I'll start with type 3 first. My instinct is to say this type of guy is bad news. Unless there are extenuating circumstances, (like him being a widower), most guys like this are going to be a LOT of work. They probably can't handle the kids, how are they going to handle you in their life? Unless there is a reason you emotionally need to attach yourself to already half-raised kids, I would avoid type 3.
Type 2 is likely a dad who is very sure of what he wants, or at least that he wants it full time. The only thing I could see as a downside is simply that he could be stuck in his ways, and you will need to fit into a mold. If you are ready for long-term, then its not a bad situation. Even better if you want kids, but didn't want to HAVE kids. I know women who don't want to participate in the physical process of having children. Adopting is one option (if your BF or husband is ok with not actually having his own), and joining a partial family like type 2's is another. That is the most important thing you have to remember when dating a single dad - you are JOINING a family. Do not expect to create or establish the family dynamic, its already present and you need to adapt to it if you wish to stay. Thats not to say that there isn't a slow process of adjusting to you as well, its just not nearly as instant as it is when you have the guy first and then kids come along.
Now type 3 (like me). Most women seem to understand all the 'work' they do at home, but completely ignore the fact that a single dad has to do all that as well. I understand that "well why is he single?" angle, but there is also a "he must be very responsible and mature" angle as well. If an ex-wife is baggage, move on. If the kids are baggage, move on QUICKLY. Frowning at us having kids will never endure you to us. Type 3's are not necessarily looking for another mom, we've already figured out how to raise kids. Other than simply being an adult in the household, there are no expectations of you, how easy is that?! You might be surprised at how the kids adapt to you and seek you out as a parental figure.
Single dads like myself, are not really looking for the next wife. Its dating 101 all over again, but with special circumstances. Out time is limited. between work and the kids schedule, we have little free time. You need to be ok with that, and able to go as slow as necessary. I have every other weekend free, but you need to understand, I am going to want MY time too. Whether thats persuing an interest of mine, or hanging our with my buddies, you need to be prepared to not get every minute of my free time. Depending on how much money I earn, you also need to expect some spending restrictions. I dont mean that Applebee's is the best I can do for a 'nice' dinner, but is highly unlikely we are receiving ANY alimony or child support. In fact, its very likely that even with custody, we're still paying some. (yeah, the courts suck that bad)
In many cases, as is the case with me, "dating" is something we probably haven't had the opportunity to do in some time. Going out with you a couple times is not the same as committment. At this point in our lives, we have a very good idea of who we are. We also know our kids and what type of woman will fit into our lives the best. We might even be picky. But it's a two part process. We have to feel you are special first. THEN we introduce you to the kids. If a guy waits too long to do that, that's a warning you should not ignore. I'm not talking about staying the night on date 3. Or going with us on a special outing. My kids know Daddy is dating, and I have no problem with them meeting 'her'. But out home is our sanctuary, and letting you come in and get comfortable is a huge step. Hiding you completely from the kids is a sign of someone who is more interested in being a player than a dater.
Intimacy is missing, not just the basic manly desire for sex. Now, that issue about showing up for the night. Coming late nad leaving early should be viewed as respect for the kids. If you feel slutty doing it, find a guy without kids. When you do spend that first night, as much as we are enjoying that its YOU in bed with us.....we also miss having that in general. The degree to which we snuggle and hold you has to do partly with us simply enjoying the moment, as they are rare. It isn't just a simply thing, but it also doesn't reflect some deep emotions and feeling either. That all comes with time. Also understand, that when you do begin to hang out in the house around the kids, we may be tentative about being openly physical. That will change as time passes, depending on how quickly things become serious and head towards permanent. We're not afraid of the displays of affection, we're being careful not to overwhelm the kids. So there is a good chance that dates will be less frequent than you'd like, especially if there is physical attraction. Because its easy to arrange the overnight visit. And we both know, sharing the same bed in some manner of undress, is going somewhere! Arranging dates and get togethers outside of the bedroom is not as easy.
Dealing with the Ex (or baby mama): This is undoubtedly the most imprtant thing you need to know. First thing - DO NOT BE JEALOUS. Believe me, if we wanted to get back with her, it would be very very easy. (if she's available). OK? let me repeat - we do not want to get back with her! However, we do need to deal with her at least until the kids are 18. Some guys have managed to be fiends (ONLY) with their Ex's, and thats an ideal situation, because the animosity and jealousy should be nonexistent. In most cases, we hate dealing with her. If we have the kids a lot, she has at some point along the way made our lives miserable. Cost us money by repeated trips to court, sticking her nose into our previous dating life (NO ex ever gives positive references) or by not making the effort to co-parent effectively. Its hard enough for us to try to establish rules and such when we can't openly discuss it with the ex, the last thing we need is for you to insist on some changes. We may bitch and complain about how "her" family does things, but we're just bitching. We have probably accepted some things don't change, and we are just venting. We may also let small things slide that seem rude or inconsiderate, like the Ex being late to pick up or drop off the kids. We don't like it either. But some things are just not fighting over, especially in front of the kids. Single dads turn the other cheek A LOT, in order to spare the kids some unpleasantries. Best thing you can do, is recognize we are trying to be a good man, be the bigger person, and just support us. We are very aware when 'her' tardiness or change of plans affect YOUR time with us, and I for one go out of my way to apologize and make sure you know that I know, and that I am sorry.
So......what have you learned? I hope you either learned you aren't the type to date a single dad, or plenty of things about how to proceed in doing so. Single dads are not for everyone, but in most cases, they have plenty working in their favor. They are employed, dedicated, responsible and generally more mature. Thats a huge upgrade over mcuh of the single single guys out there. And if you prefer to take it slow, or you enjoy the 'friends with benefits' type of arrangement (isn't that just what "dating" used to be anyhow?), then a single dad might be perfect. Its not like they have time to hound you for attention, LOL.
Good luck! And thanks for reading.
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Congrats on the brady bunch, lol. Its definitely not easy being a single dad. Glad to hear that you are back in a situation better suited for you. And thanks for the comment!
I think this is a very genuine and sincere article. You bring up some excellent points. I even linked it in the comment section of one of my hubs because I thought this was important, and that your perspective is very important.
I don't have your experience, but I'd still venture to say I don't disagree with anything you've stated. I think it's all right on. I would however like to add just one thing that you didn't cover as a dating tip for a single dad. When you're out there meeting women, don't date one that doesn't like kids. I'm one of those women. I'm happily married 10 1/2 years now, but back when I was dating, it seemed to be the hardest thing to convince single dads that I didn't want to date them. I could never figure out why they wanted to date me - someone who didn't want to be around children. They'd say things like, we can do something without the kids. And that's fine, but come on. Where can that possibly go? I remember one guy I never went out with, would call my machine at least 2 or 3 times a week, for months, leaving messages saying "Would it be so bad for you to meet my kids?" I'm sure his kids were fine. It just wasn't for me. Hey, I have 5 dogs - absolutely not everybody's cup of tea. And I get that. If a guy said, "Oh I hate dogs" I was outa there. It's pretty simple. We're not talking about a difference in movie preferences. We're talking about a major difference in serious life choices.
So single dads, when you're asking a girl out, I would think it's a good idea to be upfront about your situation, and if she doesn't like kids and doesn't want kids, etc, just move along.Even if you aren't looking for a LTR, if she says no to kids, you should say no to her.
DrFinny you have a new fan ;)
A new fan, SWEET! Thank you Veronica, nice to have such an accomplished and popular hubber as a fan. And you are very correct about dating women who do not want kids or date guys who have them. I only left it out, because to me thats common sense. Whether is be something online, in person, what have you.....if I read or hear "don't date dads with kids", then I head another direction. Im not the type to try and change peoples minds, and if someone changed their's that easily about something so important, they are not the type of person I want to be with.
Merry Christmas
Great article! I've dated a single Dad and I'll say there is no doubt in my mind that single Dads have more positives than negatives to them. You get to see thier sweet sides and thier responsible maybe strict side when you spend time them and thier children. I also saw a confidence in him that other men don't have. It's something hard to explain that comes with knowing you can handle raising your children on your own.
Of course, I must say that I am a single Mom and have the same types of time constraints and rules. So it was easy to mesh.
Wow this is what i believe to be a true perspective of single dads dating. I guess I read it to seek some advice. I am fairly young my boyfriend is a bit older than I am. We have only been together about 1 yr. He is a single dad with a 9yr. old in which the ex only sees every weekend. Recently there has been talk about us getting married and then we found out the the ex has been dating a convicted phelon. they have been drinking in front of the 9yr. old and much more. we made the decision that is in the best interest of the child for her not to be around her or the boyfriend (with a 27pg record). The ex tills calls and speaks with her daughter but gets her so upset putting my boyfriend, her father, down telling the 9yr old that its all lies. We have the evidence of this positivly unfortunatly we cannot explain to a 9yr. old. I have never ever been in this situation but I love them both so very much. She has told me many times she wants me to be her step mother. I just need some advice how do I handle this, should I really stay?? I feel very selfish when I ask him if he is sure he wants me to be around through this or if I am approaching this properly. I just don't know and I have become very desperate on how to handle thi ituation?
Thank you for the insights. I am about to be separated with 50% custody. Articles like this make my eyes open wide!
Ok, I know this is an older article... and I do not know if you are checking responses.... BUT...I have to ask this.
I am currently dating a single father of a 5 year old boy. A 48 year old man... awesome.. fun... charming.... but very limited.
Now, this is what I have an issue with. I greatly appreciate the advice you have given (and I have been googling all morning)... BUT where is the compromise?
The way I see it... You are expecting the woman to be okay and supportive with coming in third and sometimes fourth.
1 - child (ok, I grasp that... And I have my own personal experience with being a child who always came first in the eyes of their parents... I can see when they were happy or unhappy. I will expand on that later.)
2 - Career. Ok, job comes second.
3 - Me? Buddies? Working out? Golf?
4 - Me? Buddies? Working out? Golf?
5 - Me? Buddies? Working out? Golf?
Do you see where I am coming from?
How many good, solid women (me and many I know) have walked away from single fathers because one night a week is just not enough? I understand the every other weekend. I know the Spring Breaks and Summer Vacations. I can understand those. But to be placed so far down on the list of priorities. To have to jump when a single father says "Hey I have a night to jump". Or stay when a single father says stay. To plan all things around the schedule of a single father....
Where is the compromise? I have a lot of girlfriends who are single mothers. I know there are a lot of similarities. I hear their stories "Lost another interesting guy because he just could not work around my schedule?" Really whose fault is it? Is there fault? Was there an attempt at compromise?
My question comment is... "Save $40 and hire a babysitter? Be willing to show that the other person is important to you too? Do not place them so far down on the list of your priorities or fun scale because when they feel that they are not a priority and on your fun scale, do not be disappointed when you are not a priority?"
I have seen many a single mother walk this tight rope... I have dated a few men too.
I tend to shy away from single fathers. A couple of reasons... Well, although my time may not be as limited... But this part of the issue. Single people with no children are just limited in other ways... Maybe not as much, but to say, in a round about way, that "The single person will just never understand. The single person will never understand the responsibility" is just an excuse to excuse the single parent's lack of compromise.
I really like this man I am seeing. And I know that he really likes me. It is what it is. It is great when we are together.
In the past three weeks we have seen each other three nights. A couple of dinners or lunches thrown in here or there.
Three? Just three.
As a woman who is in her mid 30s... very active... I must say attractive... successful... and a very sexual being, well... How can one expect... Placing her so far down on the list... How can one expect her not to walk away? At some point?
There has to be a balance.
I mentioned earlier that placing a child as the #1 priority is understandable... acceptable.
I will expand on that though. I was a child in a relationship where both mother and father placed my happiness above theirs. To be honest, at times, I wish they were more selfish. I wish there were times when they said to "My daughter, Mommy/Daddy just has to have a night out by themselves." Or "mommy/daddy need to be happy too!" You know what I mean. Nothing is better then showing a child balance. A balance in life, love and happiness. Nothing better then showing a child that really you could have it all even though you and their other parent are divorced. Even though they were exposed to probably an unhappy relationship. There is a little bit of dysfunction to a divorced couple, regardless what is said.... That child is exposed to it in some way.
How can not being exposed to a well balanced single father or mother not be just as vital?
I have been writing this while at work with few distractions here and there, but I will say... What you discuss is what I hear for single mothers over and over again. And what I tell them... Why do you seen to forget about your happiness? Believe me, the child realizes your sacrifices... and will question the importance of them one day! I know I have with my parents!
If I may answer A Single Woman since no one else is commenting. I am a single dad. Wait, don't run away. I have 2 kids, been a single dad for 6 yrs now. I was in a relationship where I did put the woman 2nd. The ranking was 1. my kids 2. my girlfriend 3. my job (I own my own company and don't have to be there a lot of the time) 4. my friends
My girlfriend was a single woman, 6 yrs younger than me, loved my kids and loved me. So where is the problem? Like the article said, jealousy/insecurity. Like the article said even though the ex wife was nowhere to be seen it was still an issue, so was every woman I talked to regardless if it was a clerk at McDonald's or a platonic friend.
When we broke up it was hard on the kids and me, at times I get so lonely I turn into a Type 3 and think I need a new mom for the kids. I'm still lonely but trying hard to be a Type 1 or 2.
What is the point of my blabbing? A Single Woman complains of being placed 4th or 5th and she is right, and her partner is wrong. Here I am placing someone 2nd (5 yr relationship) and yet it didn't work out because my partner was wrong. In a perfect world A Single Woman and I would have met and MAYBE it would work.
But it isn't a perfect world so either we settle for what we have or man up (or woman up in the case of A Single Woman) and keep looking. It all boils down to what you can live with.
And personally, though I CAN live with being a lonely single dad (not like I have a choice), I want to be with someone I (and my kids) CAN live with for the rest of our lives.
I hope I made some sense.
So, one thing I was wondering is how you deal with a single dad that is afraid to tell his college age daughter that he is even dating? It's been months and he has admitted he's afraid she will totally reject the idea. Yet she is away to college. I think she will be more upset at him keeping it a secret. She already suspects... I'm a single mother with girls & boys. They know..
I'm a single woman in my early 30s dating a great single dad of a 3 yo boy, who he doesn't get to see as often as he would like (2 days a week for a few hours). We've been together for 4 months and maybe manage to see each other once a week (he's starting his own business and works long hours) but have lots and lots of contact in between. I feel really comfortable around him, although it would be great if we could have more time together, but I'm learning that comes with the territory! I haven't met his son yet - though I'm dying to, I'm very maternal and love kids - and accept that it's my boyfriend's decision when to bring me into his son's life. I'm pretty sure his ex doesn't know about me, which I get, but I recently found out he hasn't even told his family about me, besides the fact that he's 'with someone'. Should I be worried about this? I get that he has to play things very carefully, especially since his ex has primary custody and things are civil but bitter between them. I'm just wondering if I'm his dirty little secret, or if he's serious about me but playing things cautious.
I was turned off by the single dad blog. Currently I am a single woman dating a man with kids and it's beyond hard. There is baby mama drama, the kids (yes kids, plural) behave poorly and I am last on my mans list. Single parents seem to demand so much from their significant other with no children. I began dating this man when the kids were not even in the picture (they lived with their loser mom). Now they are (because she did not want them anymore and doesnt even see them every other weekend because she is a loser). I used to be first on his list and now I am last. As time goes by, I have realized that I have done myself a huge injustice by being with a man with children. I dont need a lot...but I do need TIME and love and sex...and he doesnt really give me any of those things. So, I messed up and I dated a man with kids. I dont want a broken home...I dont want damaged children...and I dont want a man that carelessly brings children into this world.
Another Single dad...you made sense to me but I think the problem is... we end up loving you, loving your kids...but then we continue to be jealous because they arent OUR kids...and those kids are a constant reminder of your love for someone else...and the woman has to realize that she is always going to be 2nd, 3rd, or 4th...to children that she didnt even give to you. Nothing worse than knowing that all your mans money and time is being spent on children you didnt even have any part in bringing to this world.
I agree with this article 1000%. I am a single mom of 3 and I have been in these stages. Single guys want to get married, single dads want a fwb or a baby mama. I have actually been all 3 myself. It fit into my schedule and these relationships fit. However being a full time mom, with a full time job leaves little time for me. Add to that the stress of bringing a man/woman into a Childs life. When there is an absent parent the kids do get attached and that's not fair for them and it does put extreme pressure into any relationship. I am considering giving a single dad I just met a try. We understand what eachother goes thru. But eventually it must be said that when you have a child you give up a little of yourself and give alot of yourself to your kids. Balance is key.
I fell in love with a man before I knew he had a daughter. I have spent a year coming to terms with it and it is not easy. As the other woman, you must respect the man, the mother and the children. The negative feelings you get the jealousy, the insecurity that were mentioned in the article are all natural and we wouldn't be human without them. So don't worry about feeling them. What is important is the man to understand that you feel these things, but not to get scared or bad mouth the woman because of them, because they get easier to deal with and eventually reside into an acceptance of the situation.
if he is having a relationship with the mother, he is a good man, if the mother is willing to let him in, she is a good mother. We must accept that and if you really love the man, you must be strong enough to deal with the emotions, be patient, and don't forget to get on with your own life, friends and hobbies too,
i am single woman currently dating single dad with 2 kids ( with their mum ),he just such amazing man for me we are having good serious relationships for 7 month now,but things is so hard when i found hard that the baby mom still love him,and my man is super mega awesome daddy he loves his kids so much he calls em twice a day b4 school and b4 the bed sometimes 3 times,he been divorce since 7 years ago,he have a good relationships with his ex just bcos of kids apparently still love my BF and since she knows were dating shes making so much drama if my BF bit late to call children as she know were on the movie or some where out on dating time and ,as me always feeling hard to see the situation is whenever he have to call kids he have to talk with his ex first is not that easy as she always talkin no important stuff to my ex which make me jealous all time,by thanksgiving he will leave me for 10 days and again xmas time till NYE he has to be with kids another days,it breaks my heart as he will be there with his ex as the kids 1 ( 10 YO, 2 is 7YO ),found out,its ok for me to let him enjoying day with the kids as i love him,but just not really happy as he will be with his ex for temporary,i guess im still trying to be a good future wife accept him with big heart with his kids,even its hard .
I have been with a great single 49 yo. Dad for 6 months. We are exclusive and I have met his 4 yo daughter several times but I'm not really included in their lives much. He loves me, says we have a "Once in a lifeime connection" "Meant to be together" has brought up "getting me a ring" etc.
I know 6 months is not long. But come on, I'm 46, he's 49, how long should I wait to really be included in HIS life & we start to try & become family?
He's an amazing man, kind, loving, hot at hell, smart hard working & it's perfectly amazing when we are together. Usually a week night or maybe 2 & most Friday nights till he has to PU his daughter Sat at 11.
He's & a great father. However, it's like if he's on kid time, I'm mostly forgotten & that really hurts. He's so overcompensating for a past lost kids custody situation it's like he feels that every second has to be devoted to doting over his daughter & no ones allowed inside.
I was/am a single parent so I get it to a certain extent.
I had my son in my 20's, he's a really great 22 yo student. My son & my guy have met & they like each other. He had his daughter late, in his mid 40's (after losing his 1st 2 kids 11 & 9, w the ex baby momma in a x country custody battle so he's seriously over compensating for that too...a triple whammy for me!)
So, I do understand the single parent & dating thing. I too was very careful with who I allowed to meet my son & it was only in a real LTR. I had/have a very amenable relationship w my ex, no drama or law suits and a fair custody arrangement on our own.
His current baby momma is controlling and dictates his weekend schedule w/ his daughter, even what he must do on his weekends. He's read me email from the ex & she schedules his time! He complies to avoid conflict or any drama, law suits like the nightmare w/ the 1st baby momma. Here's an example from his ex-
Sat. 11:00 dance, 2:00 B day party, 5:00 dinner and then Sunday STAY home she may have the sniffles etc, etc!! It's completely out of control but he does it to "avoid conflict" in his words. The cheesy ex has her during the week, she works limited hours at a hip-hop instructor/trainer at a gym...enough said. He has his own business and works 60-70 plus hours a week, has the daughter every single weekend.
In 6 month we have NEVER had a weekend or gone away together. He spends the night, mostly at my place because it's closer to his work & he works very late, 8 pm or later daily. I work FT as a Regional Manager for a top Medical co. I have a great job, education & make 5x the $ his ex ever will. He has to (or chooses to) help the ex with her problems/issues- refi on her condo, condo aassoc. problems etc. She's NEEDY! I hate that & he sort of defends her; "she has her all week & weekends is all the time I have" "she won't be little forever etc"
My dilema; Though I've been to his house, spent the night & he does at my place weekly, I haven't been to his house when his daughter is there. It bothers me that I'm not a really included in his EVERY weekend custody arrangement He works 5 days a week & has daughter EVERY weekend... I have a BF & am in a comitted relationship but I'm alone every weekend!!
All this makes me feel very low on the priority list, like an outsider. I love him & he does me but how long should I wait to be included or how can I help make it easier for him to see there's a way to have his daughter and a loving LTR at the same time? I am more than willing to accept his daughter, his concerns & try to have a real life together but he has to see his actions aren't the norm.
I'm becoming frustrated w the situation but I don't want to give up on the man I love. HELP!
Thank you for sharing your thought. I am dating a single dad with 2 kids and your posture is exactly what I am having an issue with my BF, sorry!
OK, a single dad has many challenges, but so is everybody else with different reasons. This is my situation and you need to understand and accept, but dating a single dad puts us into facing many challenges as well. But, we chose you and decided to learn and accept. Yet, I do not feel similar attitude in return to my own difficult situation, namely dating a single dad.
Again, at the certain age, even a single guy has issues, very sick parent, sick himself, work related, bank loan, you name it. Understanding goes both ways.
Quite a good article, I am in a relationship with a single dad (2 years) and I searched your article hard for the positives of dating a single dad (as I am trying to convince myself to stay with him). I found the positives in the last paragraph, you said and I added comment from my personal experience:
• They are employed – but almost all the money is spent on the kids and himself
• Dedicated – but to the kids only, a 40 year-old man has his limits, he just doesn’t have the time/energy/heart and head space to be dedicated to the girlfriend as much as she puts in for him
• Responsible – being single dad is stressful at times, so a few drinks to help “make it better”, responsibility decreases proportionally to the number of drinks
• and generally more mature – this I agree but how mature is a person, really, when they are not being responsible after they had a few drinks?
I have been dating a widower for 16 months. He has a 19 year old daughter in college. He has told me repeatedly she will always be number one, "my top priority". When she is home, she rules the roost. He works 60 hr weeks with no weekends off, no holidays off and no vacations. Anytime off is spent with her now that she is home for the summer. Should a child always be the top priority for a parent...ALWAYS? I am a single mom to my 20 year old son and he has his own life both in and out of college. He doesn't dictate my private life. From what I have read online and with my own experience, no parent should place the child above his or her own basic need for happiness. That puts the child in the drivers seat and some "kids" can't and shouldn't be dictating the lives of their parents. His chld cannot handle her own grief over her mother's loss and I have never been given respect in the relationship with her. Seriously, if your child told you to quit your job and be on call for him or her 24/7, would a parent do it? After all, the child is #1. I am trying to explain to my bf that I am not asking to be #1 but I don't believe it is healthy to put his 19 year old college daughter in that spot either. It is apples and oranges. I am his #1 gf and she is his #1 daughter. He can't differentiate between the two and cannot see that not always giving her everything she wants (literally) would mean he was a bad father. Currently, I believe I am #4 on his priority list (daughter, job, lawn/house, me). Any thoughts? I am quite a reasonable person. Currently he is trying to sell the house he shared with his deceased wife and daughter because it is just too big. I am also helping stage that and am spending what little time we have together keeping everything just right at his place to sell. Not much "us" time. Currently NO "us" time since the daughter is home, no job, no motivation. Strike that...motivated to keep her father and me apart.
What amazes me is the single dad/never married woman combo. It's funny to me that almost all the single dads I know DON'T want to date a single mom. Why should they? Wait...another fresh start...eh? Just cast 'em aside and find another fresh fish. Ladies...you are nutz to date single dads when there are tons of single men w/o kids out there for a fresh start in life.
ED you just need to visit a saycatrist..
Great points, Disappointed.
Many of us face difficulties for lack of his availability. I am finding another one.
Although we are together, his conversation topics center around his kids: mainly how great they are... Her piano lessons, his football scores, etc..
It is boring for people to listen to something is not related to them. He does not want to listen to me speaking about shopping, fasion, etc.. As I know this is the topic he wants to talk, so I try to patiently keep his conversation partner. But, this is really unattractive.
Also, he does not seem to see that speaking about own kids to people who do not have kids can mean that you talk about how big money you have, how great career/education you have, and how great BF/parents you have to people who do NOT have money, good career, just broken up with BF or lost parents. These are considered rude, but coming down to kids, whatever the reason or whatever they do for, it is acceptable!
I broke up with my single father BF. At the end, I stopped finding him attractive as I just did not enjoy our conversation any longer.
I just could not stand his attitude that it is always me need to understand his (claiming hid kids') needs.
Moreover,
Gosh...I don't even know where to start..
I've been with my bf for 4 years and it's the hardest thing I've ever experience! He's 10 years older then me and has 2 kids..10 and 12(he has them half the time). In the beginning everything felt so easy.. like most relationships! We were madly in love and the kids loved me..perfect scenario! We moved in together after a year and unfortunately I moved out a year later... I went from feeling like I was tied for #1 to number #10 and there is nothing you can do about it! You try to make things better and you just push the person further away.. its the worst feeling ever! Now it's 4 years later, I live on my own and the dynamic has changed completely ... I feel like its me vs them.. that might sound a little dramatic but its true!! I feel like the third wheel.. they were a family before i ever existed in their eyes and the kids are dead set on keeping it that way! Things took a turn for the worst after there mother got remarried after just dating a guy for a year.. I think they feel like they lost their mother and now their dead set on not letting that happen to there father. I also have to add that my bf and I assume most single dads feel this deep regret that they let their kids down and will satisfy there every demand no matter how ridiculous.. and you cant say a word because your not a parent and you have no idea how hard it is to be a single parent.. you feel powerless and like your opinion has no voice! I know most of what I'm saying sounds very negative and your probably thinking.. why the hell is she with him if she feels that way?! Well the answer is I LOVE him with all my heart and I've always felt that way ever since I met him! I just hope that one day he'll see that I've taken the back seat and given up so much to be with him... Is that possible? or am I just being ridiculous? Lately I've been feeling like he'll never see that and maybe I should just walk away, but even the thought of that is so painful! I don't know... any advise would help!
My boyfriend and I had 2 wonderful years together before his ex was judged unfit and his 6 year-old daughter came to live with us. It is amazingly difficult and heart-breaking to go from having all of someone's time and attention to almost none of it. Less than a year after she came to live with us, we are now living apart. Ladies, it is such a bad idea to date a single dad with young children. We had so many conflicts because he wanted me to be involved in raising his child, but then he didn't like it when I did as he asked. He thought I was too strict. I thought he was too indulgent. You will never be first in a single dad's life. Forget about what you've read about how bad it is to make the child the most powerful person in a relationship - you can't avoid it. And when you fight it and try to make it "healthier" or more "normal" or "balanced" both the father and the child resent you and retaliate or freeze you out. I still love my boyfriend, very much. And it rips my heart to pieces to walk away from him. But a lifetime of always being 2nd or lower, of always waiting for your turn to be with the one you love, of always biting your tongue when you disagree with something - that's not a happy life.
Wow! All of this is amazing. I am in love with a single parent full time father. I have been trying to be in his life for the last year but he has excluded me from entering the inner sanctum. I have not been introduced to his girls and probably never will be... I am sad because I have so much love to give to him and his girls but he just doesnt want it. It is heart-breaking. I am a good person, have raised two wonderful grown up children and could really be good for him. I want to be involved to make his life better to love and cherish him and the girls but he won't let me in. It is exhausting and demoralising. But we can't chose who we fall in love with...
This article was poorly written and confusing. He cites two contradictory Type three single Dads....obviously one should be Type One, but I don't know which one. First he says that single Dads like to take it slow and make sure they're sure of the woman they're dating before introducing them to their kids, then in the next breath he says if he hasn't introduced you to his kids that's a warning sign. Well, obviously it's not a warning sign right away...when does it become one? Just a bad article. He obviously didn't proofread it.
Hi everyone,
Recently have joined the ranks of dating a single dad with full custody. We've bee friends for almost 10 moths before engaging in a relationship. he hadnt dated in two years when his wife filed for divorce. His divirce is still in the process after two yers. His ife is a gold digger and lawyer fees just keep goig to down the drain. Last night I had my first "date break" due to custody issues bewteen them. I was bummed but I understand. Not really looking for advice here, I just want to vent and commisserate with others. Rreading over al these posts I'm learnig how difficlt it might be to pursue this relationship. All I know is that when I first met him he was very serious, withdrawn, and stresed out. Our friendshiphas brought out some happier sides of him. But his wife has controlled him from day one and stil does. She wont settle and it looks like the case may go to trail. the lawyers are just getting all the money. He's at the point where he doesnt want to ope bils from his lawyers or CPA's anymore and just lets them pile up on his table...I willing to be patient but the helper in me wnta to "help". But I know I should just stay out and let them work out their dirty laundry on their own. \But I really like him
Thanks for the article. Myself recently, started to date a single father and this is all completely new to me. They are currently in the middle of their divorced and he has 50/50 custody. His 2 year old daughter is a sweet but sometimes I'm lost in where I actually stand. He's very been very welcoming and been good about being 50/50 with me and his daughter. However, I don't know how to address or bring up discipline with his daughter. I don't want to feel like I'm walking on egg shells but if she gets into something that is wrong or can possible harm her I don't know him to get upset with me if I yet at her (not spank) I believe that is his job. Need some extra advice I guess since this is all new to me.
I found this article very helpful. I've wanted a family of my own ever since I can remember but as a cancer survivor, had to sacrifice my reproductive system, so obviously, dating a single dad is my only shot.
Recently, I started dating a guy I really like and he has three kids (10,5 & 2) that I adore. I've done the late arrival/early departure thing a few times and have hung out at the house with them several times. He is a great dad and they are wonderful kids. I love being around them all. Here's the catch...three moms.
The first is way out of the picture. She booked when their son was 4 months old and only sees him maybe once a year IF my bf arranges it. She makes no effort whatsoever. So sad.
The second is someone I sort of know and don't have any problems with, personally although the way she treated him really sucked. She's got her beau now (the guy she cheated with) and seem to be happy.
The third I don't know at all and am not sure I want to. Apparently she was really mean to him and his first two. He and the kids have both told me stories of how she would push them out of her way and say nasty things to them. She hardly ever let him see his daughter. Pretty much a bitch. Apparently she has heard about me and is not happy about it. I have met their daughter twice. The first time two months ago for just a couple hours and the second time, today. As soon as she came in the house, before anyone had said my name, she started calling to me. I can't tell you how that warmed my heart. Thing is, they haven't been apart that long and even though I know how he says he feels about her, I know she wants him back. What scares me is the fact that she has given him something (and can again) that I never will be able to and I can't help feeling like she has the upper hand. Call it insecurity but I think rightfully so...
Any words of advise?
Looking for some advice here.
Currently my boyfriend is a full time single dad of a 3 year old. We have been dating a few months now, and we did make the mistake of being introduced to the 3 year old too soon. His son I love as my own, I understand that the little one will always come before me. The mom is not in the picture at all (she gave him up) however, I am not sure if my boyfriend has any time in his life for me. It seems like I can't compete with his friends or family. I will always be put last. I am not sure if I am cool with this as I always help out with watching the little one. Heck we have NEVER been on an actual date. Not sure if we ever will. He can spend money on beer with him and his buddies but he can't do something romatic for me as surprise me with a dinner for appreciation for all I do for him? I feel like a mom without the complete commitment.
I personally think that when you start to date someone and it gets serious, they become more of a priority then their friends.
I should mention that my boyfriend has been divorced twice. I just found out although his 2nd wife and him had a horrible bad divorce, she still talks to him and wants to see his son (she isnt the mom). He also hasn't told her that he is dating me because his excuse is he will go crazy. My view on that is, so what. Let her go crazy. She isn't the little one's mom so what does it matter. Remove her from your life.
I guess I am wondering where the compromise is. I feel like I am compromising all the time. I have to go by his house because he doesn't like that his son doesn't have his own room over by my place and the little one falls asleep faster in his own bed.
I am almost at the point of walking away from this single dad even though I love him.
so the theme to most of these posts is that so and so has kids and it's making it difficult to date and sometimes it's worth it and sometimes it's not and really everyone should just be concerned about the kids, right?
here's some news: kids are underdeveloped people..... but they're still people. anyone here who's had their world view completely skewed because their parents divorced and started dating someone else? yup, me too, except my parents aren't divorced and spent most of my childhood poor and angry at each other.
regardless of children and ,possibly, without regard to the kids, is it possible that maybe your issues are of a personal nature outside of the other people in each other's lives?
everyone loves being the center of attention in a relationship and a lot of the time that's the culprit of divorce: children and the sudden rearrangement of your role in a relationship.
taking all of that into context, perhaps you should take a look at the person you are dating. you won't ever be a priority to a parent, as the world of a parent is vastly different than those of the non-parents, however the person you are dating is NOT just a parent. they have interests, too, and most likely gave them up in order to prioritize their progeny.
if you can't grasp that understanding then you have no business dating at all. the purpose of a relationship is not just you. it's not just what you can give to someone else. it's the ability to relate to the person you're dating and if that doesn't happen then take the road best traveled: i.e. move on. respect yourself and others. you can't love something you don't understand.... with kids or without.
I am a single mother of of more than one, I am dating a single father who has gained custody of his son 5 months ago. Prior to that, he would have summers and holidays. This was their agreement.
I adore him and his son. I am estatic that they are both in my life. We have been seeing each other for almost a year now and I am finding that I am the only one working it out where we can spend time together. He rarely plans our time together. I completely understand the commitment to his child. I am totally committed to mine, but he lives an hour away and I see him twice a month, maybe.
The time that I do see him, I've likely scheduled. We talk on the phone daily, while we are both focusing on work, school and the kids. We have talked about marriage and integrating our families. Yet, his lack of effort makes me pause. There are times when we have planned dates and he said that got caught up hanging out with his son, or he decided to spend time with son this weekend instead. That's wonderful, I am not knocking that in any way. I just feel that with the limited time that we do have, due to both of our hectic parenting and work schedules, that he should make more of an effort and commitment to making me feel like he at least wants to be spend time with me.
I am at my wits end and I am considering ending it. I believed that finding a single dad would help him understand my divorcee single parent status more, but I am the one who can't seem to understand.
I am a 32 female dating a 49 year old single Dad with two sons, aged 10 and 8. I've known him for 6 years. I've dated him for 20 months. I am a secret to his kids. Many women here seem to be hurt by single Dad's choice to shut them out of their family life.
For those single Dad's that made the leap what made you decide to? Was it a good idea in the end? I'd like to hear the good, bad and ugly. Personally, i am conflicted. Family is one of the most important if not the most important thing to me. But love is not about control. I love him overwhelmingly, not immature lust or infatuation but genuine respect for the decent, ethical, intelligent and damn gorgeous man that he is. There is no one else I want. I've never loved like this before. I want to share my life with him. It's simple now and we have faced so many problems already.
I've left it up to him to let me know if or when he's ready. But know the relationship isn't heading anywhere unless we make the leap.
Erialc
I am a single dad reacently living with his two children (13 and 15 yearold).
Recently dated for 4 months a woman recently separated and we both had a great time. I commited myself to make the relationship work. Tried to give her a balance of my life, always making space for her. She had to move to another country but I always sensed that what I gaveher it was not enough for her. It was too much for me to handle both things at the same time and should have waited until I had a better grasp of my life with my kids. But love shows up when it wants. I learned that it has to be with the right woman and at the correct timing, or it wont work. I introduced her to my children as a friend, and it all worked ok. I find it very weird that some men dont introduce their GF to their children even as a friend. You have the right to distrust them. They can perfectly protect their children by explaining that she is a friend. If they dont it shows their lack of trust in other human being (GF).
as a single Mother of 3, I love this article. I understand having little time last minute cancellations. I Aldo have a friend who is a single father of 3 of which he has full custody. we share dating stories, or really trying to date stories. its the same on both sides. very busy, extremely tired. and having nights where the choice is having a little alone time or getting some much needed sleep. however its usually falling asleep while attempting to have the alone time. it ain't easy LOL. but if its the right person, it may be worth it for both to understand and perhaps bend (not break) a little. as for come late and leave early, how much do you think children really don't know or for that matter hear? I don't know. I hope for my friend and me to find what we're looking for whither the understanding that Nothing is guaranteed. if it was there would be no single parents. anyway Great Article and comments.
i have been with my bf a year... we were looking into a house and talking baby names. His ex wife has custody of his 3 kids (13,12,5)... the oldest has taken the divorce hard,the mother is too busy making up for lost time partying and meeting other men, and pays little attention to her kids.
my bf has decided to work hard to fight for custody of his 3 boys. And that's great, not many men think that way... many just walk away and keep going.
however, this puts our plans on living together and possibly starting a family on "TBD". i know he will be really happy once he has them. and if really he can stop going clubbing and going from work to the gym everyday with full custody of 3 kids, then he is one successful man.
but i dont think i can wait so long when it is not certain that it will work out in the end. it's not selfish i think to want whats best for me... because it's not selfish to want whats best for him or for his 3 kids.
after reading all the post to this article... i understand i will come in last and not get any time in or even might become the bad guy in this whole mess... and i dont think i can handle all of that. afterall, that is why i played it safe for so long and waited on having kids.
i am 6 years younger, no kids, a good stable job... independent and not sure if i can wait another year or two for this thing to be completed and then slowly introduced to them and hope that his kids will accept me. what if they dont? what if they make his/ my life impossible as they have for their mother?
Am dating a single dad of 3 (12,6,5). The ex is not on the picture. he works out of the country and comes to see the kids once in 3 months (the kids are in boarding). i love kids and am willing to help him taking care of them. shud i talk to him about it or jus wait and see how long it goes. i would love to have kids of my own too
This was a very insightful article. I think I've been going at dating my single dad friend, all wrong. I really need to celebrate and encourage him more. I've searched my entire life for a man like him, even not having my father not in my life. Yes, hes intense, opinionated, vents about his ex, but you know what he is a GOOD man. I know if he makes the decision to move our friendship to the next level...I know I will be one happy woman. Thanks for the article.
I guess i didn't realize just how many of us there are. Soon it will be two years since my ex and i split. We have a "ok" divorce arrangement, we are supposed to share my 5 yo daughter No court orders... but she keeps flaking out and since she left has only actually had her for one 30 day chunk of time and gave her back cause she said she couldn't afford it.
Anyway, a little off topic there sorry! Anyway i'm a single dad, College professor, small business owner. I'm lonely as hell. I'd really like to date, i'm only 32, I think i'm still pretty good looking. sometimes I feel like I'm being robbed of the opportunity to meet people. I feel selfish saying that... but on the other hand i've given up so much and sacrificed so much for my little girl! Is that wrong of me to want something? I don't think it should be.
I live in a place where...well... good women seem to be rather far and few between. My routines have gotten so monotonous, mundane, I feel invisible and the few people I do see it really doesn't seem like I ever meet anyone new. I've tried online dating...i've been scammed, been lied to... its almost worse than the real thing!
I love my daughter, wouldn't trade anything for her, I own a home and am a responsible with maintenance. I can't help but feel like I should be a pretty decent catch!!! So why am I single?
Signing out,
Frustrated and frankly a little depressed.
I totally relate to the loneliness of being a single dad. My ex was never really around even before leaving for a guy half my age. She would be gone to work before my daughter woke up and then would stay out late until after my daughter fell asleep -- sometines not come home at all as she very much enjoyed a party life after meeting a new and exciting young crowd.
we have been separated for about 10 months now. There is nothing on paper. I pay no support to the ex and she contributes no child support or daycare costs etc. My ex's work schedule is a bit eratic so she only sees our daughter a couple of times a month and usually gives a day's notice. This pretty much means I never get out of the house without my child except to go to work. And with last minute arrangements, I can never plan something social.
I love my 4-year-old more than life itself and feel so bad for her that she doesn't have the family she deserves. I wish I could meet a woman who wouldn't mind being with a single dad but the responses to this article are not promissing. I used to think women would value dating a single dad for the reasons outlined in the final paagraph of the article, but am now pretty deressed about how women apparently feel about dating someone like me.
At 42 with a 4 year old who needs her daddy, I guess I should get used to being lonely.
Another single dad, and lonely mike, the women happily dating/partnered to single dad's wouldn't post here. Not all is lost, stay positive give it another go and put yourself out there. I'm a mum if 4 young children struggling in a non-live-in relationship with a co-parenting dad and it's really hard! There's no time for any thing much that doesn't involve work (where we met) or parenting. but I'm still hopeful, maybe not for this relationship but I know there'll be a good one in the future. My kids are awesome, we do lots of outdoor activities together now they can but it always seems to be just the 5 of us. Some adult conversations would be welcome!
I won't put my life on hold until they're young adults and neither should you! I'm sure there is a perfect partner out there of all of us, we deserve to be happy.
I have been dating a single dad for 6years now. When we met I had no idea that he was a dad and going thru a nasty separation. He is 7years older than me.
We get along really well and like the other people pointed out, I find him mature, hardworking and more stable than other single guys I have met.
He has introduced me to his son once and that was 5years ago. Then the baby mama drama started and almost cost me my job. He also changed jobs and moved to another country.
After about 3years we reconnected and took it from where we left. He is an amazing guy and we really love each other. The thing is I feel like am always 2nd best.
I would say his job is #1(he has a taxing job and all but his order of priority is worisome). #2 would be his son(I get that I hvnt given him an offspring yet). Then its his hobbies and friends. I only come in after these 3things.
I encourage him to spend time with his kid and all but tend to get jealous when the ex-wife gets involved. She is the one who has full custody of the child. So my bf sees his son on holidays and weekends.
My dilemma is that I feel like I want to settle down, and he has been frank with me that he can't promise me commitment in the short run but that I should be patient and give him more time.
Should I wait for him or should I just move on and settle for a single guy who has less drama in his life.
There is something that a single dad has that I don't find in single guys. My family thinks am not serious turning down single guys for some ex-married man.
Please help!
I grew up watching my single mother put me first. She never dated again after she had me. Now, over my teen years and very early twenties, she was "there" for me financially, always prioritizing me above herself. Well, I sucked her dry. Now that I'm almost 30 and my mother is 62, I can see that all she has to show for her life is me. She's absolutely miserable.
You know how that makes me feel? Guilty. I feel like I ruined her life. I can't hold myself responsible, because it was HER decision to place my perceived "needs" above her own. What I really needed was boundaries, discipline, and to be taught that the world did NOT in fact revolve around me. Believe me, it's a much harder lesson to learn later on when life knocks your teeth down your throat.
You parents who place your children as your #1 priority.. Not only are you ruining your OWN chances for happiness, you're doing your children a great injustice by giving them an example that will typically either be interpreted as: "ME ME ME, the world revolves around ME!" or "you must always sacrifice self for others." Neither of these are healthy or balanced.
Perhaps the "kids are #1" attitude is precisely what fosters the type of inconsiderate, rude behavior that is typical in modern teenagers? Food for thought.
This is really a great article. I have a child of my own, and I'm currently dating a father of four. I've met the oldest, who is a teenager - just as my own, but we've put off meeting the little ones. First, it was me holding off, wanting to make sure this was a committed relationship. I didn't want to get attached or have them get attached, only to be seperated. They've had enough hardship and lessons on leaving in their young lives. However, currently, I haven't met them because the mother all of a sudden doesn't want them to. I'm very proud to say that my man regularly spends quality time with his children. I admire that about him. The one thing that I didn't count on feeling, was a twinge of envy...and frustration over the fact that his ex has influence over MY life. I'm glad to see that you approached this subject in your article. Of course, I am very in love this man, and I'm more than willing to give whatever it takes. However, I won't sit here and say that it's easy... I know it will all work out in time. In the mean time, I have to just go with the flow.
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OH-MY! I have to give u a standing ovation! Your words put me as ease and made me understand this relationship I am in. I recently met a 35 yr old Daddy of two full time kids, 10 girl and 15 boy. He is also a police officer, 8 yrs on the force and in school. I myself,36 yr old female divorce with no kids. I am a caregiver and a full time student. I adore this man and have full respect for all he is. I've learn early on, this man's thinking process is definitely more mature and in-tack then the douche bags I have dealt with. I can not wait to find out what is in store for us. We are still at the very first stage..I am there at night when the kids are asleep. I told him I didn't want to meet his kids unless its serious. So thank you. :)
Hi
I am a single mom, my husband passed away 2 years ago, i sought of regret introducing my boyfriend to my kids so soon. We split up September last year and a week later I took him back cause my kids had gotten so attached to him and I did not want them to be hurt.
I would suggest any single parent to take their time before introducing your kids to your new relationships.
Thank you so much for this article!!! I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 months now and he has an 8 month old. He is in the midst of shared parental custody (aiming for primary). I have been stressing over how to deal with some of the emotional aspects of dating him such as time, attention, and well the overall fact of dating a parent. This article really helped to open my eyes. Thank you so much for your insight. This has really helped me to see what he is going through and how he is dealing with things. I really appreciate this.
I am hearing all of the frustration from other women dating single dads. How silly of me to think that I was alone. I actually felt guilty because I am so irritated at how little time I get to spend with him. I understand that his son needs to come first. I understand that he has all of these awesome qualities that come from his dedication to his son and his desire to be super-dad. I get all of that.
But I miss him and he has his son 3 weekends a month, no weeknights, but his job keeps him away and of course, he needs 'his' time, as well. So our ONLY argument is on the amount of time we spend together. I have broken up with him several times, only to be talked back into our deal together. He's so awesome, hot, sweet and unavailable.
I love the honesty by the other posters on here. Thank you, ladies for your truth and for your desire to figure all of this out. Do I stay or do I go? I ask this each and every day. I know who he is and I want to be with him, but it's the lack of time and money that I wrestle so hard with. Do I complain because he's taking care of his little boy? Do I get angry at the fact that I can't see him when I want? Or have a weekend once in a while? Or expect a nice dinner or gifts? He has next to no money due to all of this and I have tolerated this for months. I read that as I type it and I find myself ashamed for the very word 'tolerated'. It's so complicated.
The bottom line is that I love him and his son is darling, but I just don't feel like there is room for me. And I just don't know what to do about that. So I sit in it and I think and then I decide to do the same thing again tomorrow. Hopefully, I will come to a conclusion that works for me and fits. For now, I love him and he loves me and that's, I guess, good enough for a Friday.
But it sucks, honestly. It's really hard.
Wow!...This is what i believe to be a true perspective of single dads dating....Thanks!
UPDATE: I gave up and split up with him. I think of him daily, but I guess I am just not cut out for single dad dating. Sad, but true. Well, now I know, I guess.
Good on ya girl! I have the same struggles daily! I hope one my single dad understands everything i go through to be with him or I hope that I'll have the strength to leave the man I love and move on with my life! It's so hard!
I just recently became a single Dad and have temporary primary custody over my daughter, were still in the court process. Thanks for the article. Believe it or not, there are a lot of dads who step up. In my case my soon to be ex-wife was an addict, she chose the drugs over us!
I just started dating my high school sweetheart again after being apart for almost 5 years. We were together for about 7 years prior to our breakup. during the time we were not together he had a child. seeing and being with him again feels better than it ever has and feels like its where i should be, however I'm having such difficulty no longer being #1. i feel so selfish, but after being with someone for so long and being used to a relationship being one way and it having to dramatically change is such a struggle for me. he's such an amazing father and id love to be involved more in his daughter's life, but i feel like he has this wall up. he has his daughter friday-monday and during that time he likes to spend it just the two of them since he doesn't get to see her everyday. he is completely unavailable and its rare that i actually hear from him. i understand it, but i struggle with it. perhaps I'm too high maintenance or needy. i fight this inner battle when i see his daughter. someone posted something that brought me to tears when reading, "kids are a constant reminder of your love for someone else...and the woman has to realize that she is always going to be 2nd, 3rd, or 4th...to children that she didnt even give to you. Nothing worse than knowing that all your mans money and time is being spent on children you didnt even have any part in bringing to this world." i struggle looking at his daughter knowing that it wasn't me that gave him this child. i have so many worries and fears inside of me that i have voiced to him, but it just never goes away and i don't know what to do. i love this man and i always have. since this is all new I'm going to stick it out fora little bit and take it a day at a time and see how it unfolds, but wow, dating a single parents is very difficult!
hi, sorry for all the typos in my last letter. I am educated and know how to type but it's early and I'm typing fast. Will do better next time :)
Ok. For the people who struggle with the fact that these children are constant reminders that this person was with another lover, go find a 16 year old virgin to propose to you. Puh-lease. A relationship is so much more than the joining of genitalia, and whether a person has children or not, chances are you are not the first partner. If the existence and presence of a human being with specific genetic makeup that is not yours hurts you, then consider seeing a psychologist to help you gain love for yourself, and to help you learn how to truly feel self-worth. No matter how you phrase it or what your mental logic tells you, being threatened by any aspect of a child is a huge indicator that you have not grown to your own full potential yet. Nurture yourself for a while.
In regards to why someone dating a single parent is so low on the totem pole...friends are already permanent structures in the ever-important children's lives. Single parents create consistent social lives for themselves and their family. No way would I ever cancel a weekly hang out with my friends for a new person I am dating. I want my children to learn the value of the people we already have in our lives who love us. How can I teach them this if I show that friends are a disposable priority?? My friends have been in my life for years...anyone I'm dating has not been. My suggestion is to create situations where you can invite your significant other to invite his/her circle of friends. Spice Girls had it right. Chicks before Dicks, Bros before Ho's. Anyone who doesn't follow that mantra is probably going to end up clingy and needy. Why so needy? Because they've gone and alienated themselves from their reliable support system for the sake of your totem pole status.
I am a single mother of 2 girls and I can vouch that this article doesn't just apply to single men. I really am appalled at the folks who see children as reminders of something past. Children are not chattel. They were not property gifted to one parent by the other. They are human beings who need nurturing environments and are very sensitive to change. You had your time getting nurtured as a child, now let this kid get his or her time.
Relationships should not be one person requiring something from another, but one person admiring and being thankful of what is shared by the other. Children are THE most valuable asset any parent has. If you get brought into a circle that involves them....you should feel honored. If you feel crapped on...it is time for you to quit wasting space in the wrong circle.
I am a single father to an autistic boy. I am owed years of child support. The courts have done very little to help me. Years ago when I first graduated Humboldt County threatened to suspend my teaching license when they made a mistake & misapplied 1 payment. Oops they were sorry :) Men who commit fraud assault other tweekers & have half a dozen failures to appear & generally behave like The Creature end up in jail.
Hi DrFinny! Thank you so much for this article, it helped me understand my situation (and my boyfriend with 2 kids) a lot more.
We've been together for a couple of months but the challenges are just setting in now. I knew he was annulled and had kids way before we dated as we were friends and workmates before. When he started pursuing me 6 months before, these kind of challenges weren't present yet as he rarely saw the kids, who stay with their mom. But now because he has a better relationship with the mom and kids, he sees them a little more - and that is affecting our time together (time together physically - we go out a little less now, but we talk to each other daily twice or as much as our schedules permit). I am currently in the process of adjusting and it's really hard.
Thankfully the ex-wife is not an issue, as he had someone after her. The exes aren't issues. The kids are nice kids, as he always tells me about them. He is a very wonderful man - loving, hardworking, dedicated, smart, mature, sexy, funny and honest - at the same time he's also a great friend. He's also older, so he has this wisdom that I couldn't find among single males my age. To see him also be a loving dad to his kids is inspiring for a single girl like me. I'd want to be like him in the future. It's just the lack of time that I'm currently finding really difficult. We talked about this already, and I've told him what I feel. I am just thankful that our communication lines are open.
Thank you also for all the ladies here who shared their own frustrations and experiences.
I have 5 kids, from 19 down to 7. Fed up of people moaning about their kids. I look after them myself and am doing college. Grow up guys and suck it up :)
Wow, your post totally confirms that I want to date a single dad. I'm a single Mom, and I feel the same way. About the ex, the home being a sanctuary, all of it. My young daughter and I have a stable, happy home... I could be single forever and feel ok about it. Reading this article makes me want some Brady Bunch action. :)
after reading this, who the hell would date a single dad when they can have the good life...freedom?
just reading this artical made me sighn up for this sight,Just decided to search in a google bar "30 year old single father"Not that i'll be on here much.Please excuse my grammer and colorful ways of explaining things...
Anyhow,
I am single dad that just turned 30 with a 10 y/o boy and 8 y/o girl.I'll try not to write a book,but I quess you could call me a widower except we were divorced and seperated before she passed away.I won't go into to much of that because the 1 year anaversary of her death is coming up..It really hurts my kids that she's gone.
They both live with me as i'm their primary care provider,yes i do it all by myself.I found dating any girl to be hard,and from were i see it,single woman that are perants seem to have a better chance in the dating game whether be online or what have you.Most woman don't want a guy with kids anyway,however my friends that only see their kids only once a month seem to date more.I'm not looking for a new mommy or to replace what my kids lost,I just want passion and romance but woman seem to think their getting set up to be step mothers..So far there has only been one girl I "dated" after my ex,I lowered my standards do to being lonely, but it was all great in the begining I guess with all relationships,after 3 months she started showing her true colours and to make a long story short,she was very mean to my children!Funny thing was she had kids herself.I'll admit after a while I didn't want to do the whole brady bunch thing but i didn't want to be alone neither.
There has been a few one nighters here and there but I'm just not into hooking up at clubs and being all metro like jersy shore.
All i as a single dad wants is company and a female friend I can make love to.I don't want to start over and think you other single dads are crazy to do so.All most guys want in a situation like mine is a woman we can confide in,Injoy that little life we have outside our normalcy.All we expect is you and nothing else,becuase your that joy and reward we get after working so hard to keep our family healthy.You give us sunshine where all we are used to is the late night hours of solitude.
If your a woman dating a single father then i'll assure you that he apreciates you and what little time you have together.Us single dads know what we want but if your just gonna leave when the going gets tough then go ahead,we are used to it.But don't be at the bar or club complaining to your girlfriends that you can't find a good guy or a man that wont cheat on you,because really you don't want one.you like the playing feild game..must be like shopping right?new season new trend..
Hi I was wondering is it ok to as a single father that you are dating about his kids. I'm pretty new at this so I was just wondering if that would be ok or would that be alittle personal?
Hi. I'm a single mom of 3 girls under 6 years old and I've been seeing a single dad for the past 9 months. He has 2 kids. His son is 13 and lives with him fulltime and his daughter is 2 and lives out of the country. About 3 months of talking on the phone everyday and doing the coming over late and leaving early thing he out of nowhere introduced me to his son when I brought them dinner ( he usually just came outside and grabbed dinner and I would leave). After meeting his son the early morning escapes stopped and I would make breakfast before school. Then his son began sports with school and my family and I would go to his games, I was even asked to go when my bf had to work and couldn't be there. Then
We were having dinner and a movie night and nights when we would sit at home and watch our favorite shows I even started wrestling with his son because it was easier for him to practice with me than his dad. Then one day about a month ago my bf told me he loved me then the relationship changed. He stopped inviting me to games and no more dinners or movies. I haven't been to his house in about 2 weeks. Then lastnight he said he loves me and admires me but he needs space. I don't know what that means. Do I not call? Should I pack up the stuff he left at my house? What do I tell my kids when they ask for him? I'm lost. I love this man. I love our life together I love his son. We even planned a trip to Mexico to meet his daughter. I don't know what went wrong. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you
dear Single Mom 29,
I found myself in a very similar situation as to what you described about a little less than a year ago. It certainly wasn't the exact same situation but with similarities. After about 4 or 5 months in she decided she wanted to tell me she loved me. I felt pressured but didn't want to hurt her so I responded accordingly. that wasn't the only reason things went down hill but I really didn't like it. I lied to her about how i felt about her. I told her I wasn't happy with our sexlife... It was fine, I told her she was too insecure... she may have needed to work on it but i don't think it was as bad as i made it out to be. I didn't tell her that i didn't actually love her.... because i did actually love her, but i just didn't want to say it yet. I didn't see these things until a good 4 or 5 months after we broke up. I think I lied to order to push her away. The damage is done now and I tried to apologize but its over now anyway. My point here is... I realized after the fact that I didn't give her credit where credit was due. I didn't appreciate her aside of the casual thank you for a nice gesture but thats just good maners. we all know it doesn't mean anything until someone actually goes out of their way to thank you and show you they see and recognize the efforts you've made for them.
I was so preoccupied with my daughter that I took her and her efforts in our relationship for granted.
I dont' know if my experience helps you understand where he may be at emotionally. I'm saying it may be possible that he sprung the L word a little to early even for himself. Give it just a little time and then ask if you can have just a few min to talk. Explain how well you understand his side of the situation. explain that if space is what he needs you'll give it to him, but you'd like a little better explanation of why things changed so suddenly. YOU CAN'T GET UPSET! no matter what he says. you need to stay very relaxed and just do as he asks. If once you get a decent understanding of why things changed so suddenly and you want to change the status of your relationship based on founded information then you can do so. I Don't think it would be wise to assume anything at this point until you've given him the chance to explain. or rather in this case he gives himself the chance to explain. If i were you I'd ask him if it was something you did and how you can fix it. Other than that I dont' know what to say, i'm as baffled by the sudden change as you are. Good luck!
Another single dad
Thank you for your input. I'll see if he'll talk to me next time I see him.
Ok so I feel kinda like a dip, I named myself "another single dad" totally not knowing that a previous commentee also named himself "another single dad" then i went and read his comment and as it turns out we are actually very similar! I too own my own small business, i only have one kid tho not two. what he wrote... I could totally relate to. This just seemed odd and thought i should share/apologize to Another single dad for taking his username accidentally!
Well, I am in a very unique situation. First off, I am a single mother, never been married and my daughter will be 11 years old soon.
Secondly, the man I am falling in love with is a divorced dad, not sure how long he has been divorced maybe a year or so, and has a lovely 6 yr old boy, whom I have come to love and care for as well.
My daughter, and I were separated for 3 years before I was able to bring her up to live with me finally, and is having trouble, letting any man come near me, unless she approves of him.
I am sure and certain he is into me, as i am into him, and things would be perfect, if only, my daughter would not be so rude to him.
Yet I know her fear, yet his son, has come to like both my daughter and I, and per his dad's cue, has asked us both to join them on several occasions, to go to the library, to go fishing, and the last was to have dinner out.
The first two times, I wanted to say yes, yet she did not want to go at all, so I said no, with a heavy heart, the last time, I got tired of her attitude and told her to that I was not going to miss another chance, and I went, she did not.
We enjoyed ourselves, and mind you this was my first time eating out with any man! and his son helped ease my nerves too.
I also asked him out first, along with his son, before he started getting his son to ask us out, along with my daughter, I love him, and admire his work, and the man he is.
Is this at all wrong or ok for us to move onward?
The thing is that I am renting from this man, a room in his home, for my daughter and I to live in and call home.
He and I were both upfront about our kids, and well its not like he nor I could hide them, right?
I have recently moved in, and have been there for almost 2 months or so. The house is in great shape and he is working the front yard right now, and I admire his devotion and love for his son. His boy comes every two weekends, and he normally sees him once during the week.
He communicates with his Ex, more in regards to know how the boy is doing, if he has been sick, and to talk to his little boy as well.
Single parents do not date until your kids are grown. If you do, then the kids DO need to be put second sometimes when it comes to your private life, at least to a healthy degree. Both partner and children need the same nurture from you. Otherwise, if you can't include everyone together (at all times), it will never work, and you will produce a child who will always control you, even into adulthood and will finish off every relationship you enter..Everything has it's special place, balance is the key.
I've just been able to leave the mother of my daughters after years of her addiction. It was because she had been with someone else and I found out the sad truth. I feel like such a bad father because I left my girls in danger with her because I knew how she was but I wasn't strong enough to leave her until now. I'm scared about raising them without a mom but I've been their best friend and care giver since they were born. They're 2 & 4 and I ask often if they need to talk about their mom not being around but the 2 yr old doesn't understand and the 4 yr old just says "Daddy, you take care of us and she wouldn't even get us water,your the best Daddy in the world" I'm not sure but I try.
You should be aware that a single dad has been through a lot. Being involved with someone who is divorced is not the same as the usual people that you date. You just have to be aware that this person's priorities and outlook have changes as well. Great and informative article. Keep it up.
Not Interested In Men With A Kid! Take Your Baggage Elsewhere!
Hey there "Iced coffee", you've come to the wrong place to complain about baggage! Take a look at what this forum is about! I think your looking for the 'I'm selfish, ignorant, and completely unbelievable' forum. Try using keywords like asshole, and dumbass to search for said forum.
Good luck!
Yeah, single dads are no comparison to single moms. I raised 3 kids on my own. I often worked almost 80 hours in a week and took my kids to football and soccer practices. I managed to take care of my kids even when I was sick. I decided as a single mom to move away from a dead beat dad. So I was in a state all alone and had no help from anyone. I started dating a single dad and like me all his kids are grown. The only difference between me an him is that although his son is 22, the ex-wife so he claimed is still putting his son's things together. Children just do not know the sacrifices that you make as a mom.
Marie, are you trying to say that single dads don't make as many sacrifices as single moms do? Do you really have the crass to turn your life situation into a sexist thing and make that bold comparison? How can you think a dad doing everything on his own doesn't make all the same sacrifices as you have? This is so ridiculous i'm honestly not even sure why I've given it the attention and response I have.
A very interesting read. I have recently started dating a single dad, im 22 years old so i wouldnt say iv had many life experiences when it comes to 'serious' dating. However my situation is, he is in the army.. so works away alot and has an 18 month old child, the ex (also in the army) is still very much in love with him. I find this SO hard, i may have trust issues already from previous relationships.. but i keep having doubts in my mind that they will rekindle the relationship, because they will always have that tie. Something I dont have with him. Im not very maternal, have never really been the sort of person to want children - except id like the CHOICE that if i decide i do in the future, i have that option. except now he has 1 child, he doesnt want anymore.. that is non-negotiable i think. So im stuck in this ruck where i feel like i WANT to stay and be a part of his life, i understand i wont be number 1 priority.. kills me to say that too because i dont really want too be 2nd best but i have no option. But the ex is the issue, they are still on talking terms.. text and call and whatever, but he talks about her alot! i dont want to hear about her? and the child... SO much talk of the child, that may be me being selfish and i can understand he is proud of his child and likes to tell people about him, but its constant. I guess im just looking for some advice really, very early on in the relationship but im trying to do the right thing. I dont want to stay and be a part of their life and then leave all of a sudden, maybe because im writing this i've already made up my mind that im going to leave? if you have any advice of help please let me know :)
This was definitely a good read! I am currently dating a single dad who is also recently divorced (about a year). We are taking it slow which works for both of us at the moment as I am really busy with work and like to take things slow in general anyway. But I have never dated a single dad before and am still cautious and uncertain of how the "rules" are to be abided by. I have not met his daughter (she's 3) but have spoken to her on the phone. We’ve been together for about 2 months and up until last weekend were sort of still in the “dating closet”. Well, last weekend he invites me to his friends party with all of his friends and told me that I was the “first girl anyone there had ever seen him with besides his ex-wife”. This made me nervous and at the same time flattered me as I guess he thought I was special enough to introduce to his friends. My worry is that I know his ex-wife doesn’t know about me yet and I think that this news should come from him and not from someone at that party. I know if I were in her shoes, I wouldn’t want to hear by word of mouth that my ex-husband is seeing someone else and possibly having my daughter spend time with this new person.
I really like him and want to continue this to see where it can go, but I feel that there might be some drama brewing. The last thing I want is to hurt his ex-wife and have the baby mamma drama knocking at my door. Thoughts, anyone?
Im 22 and my boyfriend is 30 w a 4 yo child... I definitely love the man and have just recently met the kid and hes a gem just like his pops. Buuut... My bf wants me around morning noon and night and i can tell the kid is resenting it a little and i am terrjble w kids and terribly uncomfortable around this young fellow and quite frankly, i dont blame him for not warranting my intrusion. Its clear him and his dad are best buds and im the blemish. I dont know if this is something i can handle. Maybe im too young.
Are you strong enough to date a single dad? I have been dating my boyfriend 2 years it took a year for me to meet his now 6 yr old daughter whom I adore. When the ex found out we we were dating her goal beacme to make his life a living hell if she knew I was around she would take the daughter out of his life for months. there were times I would leave for awhile beacuse I felt it was me keeping him from his kid. The truth is its not its her and her jealousy and those are her issues. Love him be there for the kid if you have to walk out of the room when she calls so it doesnt hurt you. Court is 2morro finally and I hope we get are wishes for me to get to continue to be around. Its a struggle are you strong enough?
stanleyreese Level 1 Commenter 3 years ago
I was a single dad for 14 years. My son was sixteen months old and my daughter was 3 and a half when their mom walked out. I was probably the worst single dad to date in the world. I remember breaking up with a girl named Jill who always brought stuff over for the kids when she came to see me. Looking back, it was probably jeoulosy.
Remarried now with a 2 year old, one year old and a baby gurl in the oven. Do I even wanna be a single dad again? The world couldn;t handle me again.